STRUGGLES, MEMORIES, WISHES…

Soon it will be three months since the heart has been buried, and since then the soul never stopped weeping, the mind became too afraid to see the light. Together they were in an endless vigil, never even thought about the end of it. For quite some time the soul would go into a short journey, in desperate need for an option, yet still bringing the baggage from the recent past. And eventually, he would go back to where it all started, go on with the vigil while the mind slept in disturbing silence, in hope for memories to fade. But restlessly he dreamt of images from the heart and chose never to sleep again…

DREAM:
On a Friday night after months of inconsistent depression, unwillingness to get up for work and numerous sleepless nights, I quickly turned my computer off at exactly 6:00 pm and headed to the elevator. It had been raining hard since yesterday and I had some new DVDs for the weekend. Typical Friday night it would definitely be, a movie with myself and a pint of chocolate ice cream and two frozen fudgee barrs.

I was briskly walking along the Dela Rosa walkway, trying to beat my regular 7-minute walk from Enterprise Centre to Landmark Pasig-FX terminal. I hate it when it rains so hard with the wind blowing to my direction. I really need to replace my old Vans shoes because I could already feel the water through my socks.

Three minutes and I was in front of Powerbooks Greenbelt, as usual bustling with employees on their way home. I manuevered my way into the crowd and when I got past Landmark's entrance, the way started to clear up. 4 minutes, 58 seconds. I know I can beat my own record, maybe a 5.5.

So I sprinted with my backpack jumping behind me. Few steps before reaching the stairs down to the parking lot when suddenly my viewing angle changed. I saw things from worm's eyeview but it didn't last long. I gathered all my strength to get up, ignoring the hands that were trying to reach out for me. I knew I should never wear these shoes when raining! The soles were smooth from over usage.

I walked faster than ever, trying to keep myself from sprinting again. I still beat my old time though, 6:15:00 (although I'm not sure about the seconds). On my way home, my iPod was blaring in my ears, keeping my mind off the pain from my tailbone, and the back of my head. Did I really hit my head? My back pack was supposed to keep me from doing so. But it did hurt, not a little, but quite excruciating; I wanted to sleep.

When I got home, I just had a glass of water, forgot dinner, took my drenched pants and jacket off, put on my pajama and didn't even bother to wash my face nor brush my teeth. I went straight off to bed. For once, I slept earlier than 1 am, even earlier than people who were starting to have dinner at 7.

If I ever had dreams that night, I certainly didn't remember. But when I woke up the next morning, things were a bit bizzare, but I couldn't exactly specify what it was. My first thought was a really strong desire to create a website for my portfolio. After cooking corned beef, egg and fried rice for breakfast, I did my laundry, and quickly cleaned my house. By 3pm, I was done so I had a nice shower and then off to my salsa class. 10:30pm I was safely home and feeling quite exhausted and excited at the same time. I'm starting my website tomorrow after my morning run.

The whole Sunday I worked on my website design and learning Dreamweaver. I cooked adobo and caldereta for baon and managed to see one of the DVDs I brought home last Friday.

Monday, for the first time I came in on time and had quite a load at work.  Same thing happened on Tuesday, then Wednesday until Friday. I didn't even have the time to chat or visit philmug, or even a coffee break. And evey night, my bed time turned to 9pm and not a single late during the week! Can you believe that? I was starting to love my job…

It wasn't raining this Friday, thank God because I was wearing my white Janylin shoes, which as usual, were killing my feet (but at least I looked cute). I decided to browse in Powerbooks before heading home. I was in second floor, by the graphic design area, when I heard someone said "excuse me" so I moved out of the way so he could reach for whatever book he wanted.

In a split second, we caught each other's face. The last time I blushed so hard, Ryan teased me about it for a week, was when we were eating in Tortilla Fusion in Galleria and I saw my high school crush walking in front of the store and I believed he saw me. And this guy who made my face turn redder than an allergy years ago was standing right beside me!

He was a childhood friend who lived next door 21 years ago. My mom said I used to ride him on his back, bite him til he came running home crying. This is the boy who tried to teach me to whistle but I never learned it probably because I just lost my two front teeth then. This boy was now a man standing almost 6 feet tall (good thing I'm wearing a 3-inch high heels), face youthful yet manly at the same time. Was I acting like a love-struck high school girl then? I didn't care because he said my name and I was suprised he remembered me. He never talked to me back in high school.

I just stood there looking like a dead tree trunk with face on fire (praying hard to God for him to think that it was just a bad make up and for me to go back to earth.) God listened and a few words came out my mouth, "Uy, kamusta? San ka na nagwowork?" (which was my lame template for long-lost friends/acquaintances whom I forgot the names. But of course I knew his name, when would I ever forget? I just don't know how to call him.)

To my surprise, he started chatting as if we were old friends. Where was that awkward silence that was supposed to be there when you meet someone you haven't seen or even talked to for a long time? I didn't really care. I love it when guys talk because I know that I can talk too about whatever. He asked about my parents and told me about his. Then he offered to have a cup of coffee so we could chat more. A coffee date?! Ha! No second thought there.

It turned out that he's working in the same building as mine as an IT consultant and even asked if we could have lunch some time this week. Next thing I know, it was almost 10 pm and I'm getting sleepy despite of the caffeine in my system. I would have to take a cab now but he offered to give me a ride home.

While lying in my bed, bizzare thing dawned on me. Since I woke up on Saturday after that embarrasing fall, I realized that I haven't thought of him. I did a couple of times but I felt nothing, as if he was just someone from a distant past whom I hardly know. Someone I don't have much memory of. In fact, I can't even remember how he looks like. Maybe, I really did hit my head and the brain cells holding those memories of him died…